The Man I Killed

Have you ever thought of killing anyone before? You think that someday you will end up killing someone for no reason. You feel ashamed of killing them because they might have a family at home waiting for them to come home.

My young daughter asked me “Daddy, have you killed anyone in war?” I answered my daughter in the most possible way. “Of course not.” My daughter didn’t believe me. I sat her on my lap and I pretend she was older so I told her what really happened. The real reason why I still write war stories.

The boy was a young soldier about the age of twenty. I was afraid of him, more like afraid of something. It was after midnight, Kiowa and I were watching to make sure nothing out of the ordinary happened. The young soldier was standing talking to the other soldier on guard. The young soldier started to walk on the path. There was a fog in the path. He moved with the fog and kept quiet. Nothing made a noise. Kiowa was asleep. I didn’t know if I should have woken him up or if I shouldn’t. The young soldier was getting closer and I didn’t know what to do. I pulled the pin and threw the grenade at his feet. I threw the grenade to scare the young man to go away, but that didn’t work out the way I planned. I didn’t have any intension to kill the man. I never think about killing in this war. When the grenade land at his feet, he knew he was in a bad situation. He tried to run away but it was too late. The grenade exploded in his face and the young soldier was dead. I walked out to the young soldier and saw his face half messy and his body all blown up. I felt horrible for killing this young man. He never wanted to be in the war and have to deal with this. He had no reason to die. So why did I kill him?

Rainy River

After six days staying at the lodge, I had to make up my mind if I should leave to Canada or war. It was early in the afternoon when the old man took me fishing on my last day. I wanted to repay the old man for letting me stay in his lodge. So we set up a boat and we set off into the Rainy River. Well going through the river, it made me think of how the border was inches away. How I could just jump out of the boat and swim to it. We stop in an area big and wide. It felt like we passed the border now. How the smell of Canada air was blowing into my face. The old man didn’t say anything to me. He just sat there setting up his fishing pole. I looked out to the shore and saw the sun shining through the trees on the water. How the border wasn’t actually that far. I could jump out of the boat and be safe in Canada, but some how I felt like someone was yelling at me. I felt like I heard the town people call me a failure. I couldn’t just swim away from my hometown. I felt a burning inside of me. I didn’t realize I was crying. I wanted to stop but I couldn’t. I looked over to see if the old man notice but he was just minding his own business. He didn’t ask me if I was okay or why I was crying. He knew everything I was going through. He understood my pain and my choices I have to pick. If I should flee or head off to war. I was inches from home safe. I wanted to stop crying but somehow inside me I couldn’t stop. The old man didn’t pay any attention to me so I just kept on crying. I wanted to stop. I felt embarrassed for crying. It shows that I can’t be brave enough for the war. Twenty one years old, crying all my sorrow out. All I could was sit there and cry away. I felt ashamed of myself for crying. The old man didn’t saying anything to me after a while. “Ain’t biting.” He only said to me. We ended back to the lodge. We didn’t talk at all or anything.

The next morning, I went to look for the old man to pay off my stay here at his lodge. When I searched everywhere around the lodge, I couldn’t find the old man. I wanted to say thanks to him for understanding me and knowing what I went through. I waited in the lodge for a while, but he ended not showing up. I left the money on the table and I ended home. It wasn’t a happy ending. I was coward at the end, but I went to war.

Choice my Road

Sleeping at night was out of the question for me. The Draft notice kept swirling around in my thoughts. I just wanted to throw the letter away. End it now. Would I head to Canada and save my life or hurt my parents? The town people would disgrace me for fleeing and not facing the war. I wanted to keep my life alive! I didn’t want to end my life for a war that makes no sense. There were so many questions floating around in my mind.

One morning at work I cracked. I dropped my water gun and walked right out of the factory. I drove home to grab some clothes. I stopped in the kitchen. I took a quick glimpse of everything in the room. How the kitchen looks with the sun shinning through the window. The sun making the room shines like a ball room. I wanted to remember everything the way it was. I didn’t know if I ever see it again. I wrote a quick letter to my parents. I couldn’t remember much of what I said to them. All I know is that I ended it with “I will call, love you Tim”

I got into the car and set my road north.

Draft Notice

On June 17, 1968, it was a humid afternoon, cloudy and very quiet day. The draft notice had arrived to my front door. I remember how my heart and blood were pumping up to 100 mph. Opening up the letter, scanning the first few lines on the letter made my face go pale, War. My mind went else where when the word "War" appear on the letter. War? Why? Why a guy like me? I was to good for war. I had a clear full ride to a scholarship with Harvard. Why? What could I tell my parents? My father would be proud of me and mother would be scared but okay with it. I'm not a soldier. I won't kill someone. I will never be able to hold a gun. What to do?

Days went by after the letter for war arrived. I spent my summer in Armour meatpacking plant. Smelling like dead meat. It never went away. You were stuck with it. I couldn't get the Draft notice out of my thoughts. People said the best way to get away from a Draft notice is by going to Canada, but I wouldn't want to disapoint my parents. There's no other way to get away from this notice.